How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
Do you ever notice that when you spend too much time with someone, you begin to pick up on their habits? Maybe it’s the way they speak, the slang they use, or even their hand gestures and sense of style. We’re naturally drawn to people we like, and subconsciously begin to imitate them a little bit.
Dale Carnegie used this human phenomenon to explain how people can people influence others by changing their own behaviors. In How to Win Friends and Influence People, Carnegie writes several principles that will help you better understand people, become a more likable person, improve relationships, win others over, and influence behavior through leadership.
⭐ Rating: 4.8/5
Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain
Nothing positive comes out of criticism. As humans, we don’t like to admit our faults or that we are wrong. If you want people to like you, speak positive things to them: encourage them, compliment them, etc.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
Have you ever met someone who complimented you, but you know they didn’t really mean it—they were just being nice? Well, don’t let others be on the receiving end of that. Gratitude and appreciation for someone—their work, their character, etc.—brings out the best in them. But make them authentic and genuine; it’s not flattery.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want
If you want someone to do something, they too must want to do it. Forget about what you want for a moment, and figure out their desires. What motivates them? What is their perspective/ point of view on this situation? When you’re able to find a mutual objective for both you and them, they’ll be more eager to willingly work with you.
Six Ways to Make People Like You
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
It may sound arrogant, but people like talking about themselves. And lots of people have interesting stories to tell, so let them tell it to you. And truly listen. If you want to make authentic and lasting relationships, you have to be genuinely interested in who they are and their interests.
2. Smile
A smile is the easiest action to make others instantly like you. A smile exhudes a sense of kindness and welcome that we all want to feel when meeting someone new (because we all know that can be daunting sometimes). Smiling makes for a great first impression.
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
Remembering someone’s name can make someone feel valued, especially in a setting where remembering names can be difficult. When you remember someone’s name, it shows that you care, you were listening and paying attention to them.
💡 Technique to memorizing names:
If you didn’t catch their name, ask the person to repeat it
Ask for the spelling
Repeat the name several times during the conversation
Associate the name with the person’s features and appearance
Write it down
4. Be a good listener
Sometimes, all people want is to simply be heard. But remember, listening to someone talk doesn’t mean you can zone out. You have to be engaged—and show that you are!—so that they will continue talking to you. And when you truly listen to what they have to say, you’ll be able to respond with related questions or remarks.
5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interests
Have you heard the phrase “the way to someone’s heart is through their stomach”? Well, in this case, it’s through talking about the things they treasure and enjoy most. In the same way that parents love talking about their kids because they value their kids, people enjoy talking about what they treasure most. And if you talk to them about those things, they will value you for realizing their values and interests.
6. Make the other person feel important—and do it sincerely
Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you want to feel important, make them feel important. If you want to feel loved, then make them feel loved. And the best way to do that is to let them talk about themselves. When people feel genuinely appreciated by you asking questions about them, they will feel valued. That’s how you can win people over.
How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it
Even if you win an argument, you lose. Because the other person may walk away feeling ashamed, humiliated, or still frustrated at you. Completely resolving an argument is difficult, so best to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong.”
This goes back to the first principle. No one likes to be criticized. No one likes to be told they are wrong. You’re only going to offend and humiliate them. And that’s not what you want to do when you’re trying to win them over.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically
As difficult as it is to admit you’re wrong, when you do it authentically, people begin to trust you and sympathize with you. It shows humility, and there’s a strength in being able to admit your faults right away. Sometimes, when we yield, we can get more than expected.
4. Begin in a friendly way
Kindness goes a long way. Even if may not want to be kind at that particular moment, if you want others to like you, you must be friendly to them. People are more receptive of kindness and positivity than they are of negative emotions like a frown or anger.
5. Get the other person saying, “yes, yes” immediately
It’s psychologically proven that if someone agrees with you from the very beginning, they will be more likely to agree with you on other things moving forward. It’s actually also a great sales tactic that might have been played on you when you’re shopping. It’s called the psychology of persuasion. When you say “yes” to someone right away and see similarities between you and the other person from the beginning, you’re more likely to continue saying “yes” to them even if you may not have said “yes” originally.
💡 Example:
In a study, two similar neighborhoods were targeted for a Drive Safely campaign. The purpose was to encourage people to put a big, ugly sign in their front yard to support the campaign.
In the control neighborhood, very few people agreed to put the ugly sign on their property. In the non-control neighborhood, however, there was a 400% increase in those who agreed to put the ugly sign in their front yard.
Why? Because 10 days earlier, the people in the non-control neighborhood had agreed to place a small postcard in their front window to support the Drive Safely Campaign. That initial commitment led them to consistently agree to the larger, ugly campaign sign.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking
People like to talk, so let them talk.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers
People tend to like and follow through with ideas that are their own. By allowing others to think that they were the ones who arrived at the idea, the idea will be more likely to be carried through.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view
We’ve all heard the saying “put yourself in their shoes.” Trying to understand someone and sympathize with them can help you form deeper and stronger bonds with others.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires
If people feel that you are sympathizing with them—their feelings and their emotions—they are also more likely to sympathize with you.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives
People like to think that the things they do are morally good. If you can appeal to their “nobler motives,” you can more easily convince them to follow you and your ideas (because they would be doing it with a morally upright motive).
11. Dramatize your ideas
This doesn’t mean hype your idea to the point of falsity. But make your ideas vivid and interesting. Make it so appealing that others will want to join you.
12. Throw down a challenge
You don’t have to be competitive to have a desire to prove yourself: your ability, your worth, your skill. Everyone wants to do well. So give them a challenge, and more often than not, they will rise to meet it.
Be a Leader—How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Rousing Resentment
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
No one likes a boss who is authoritative and doesn’t consider other people’s opinions and contributions. So be a leader who genuinely appreciates your team.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
No one likes to be called out in public about the mistakes they made. Humiliating someone can just about be one of the best ways to turn them away from you. So try to point to their mistakes discreetly or privately. They will then be more motivated to improve.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
A good leader will take responsibility when something goes wrong, even if it may not be their fault. No one likes to bear the full blame on their own shoulders. Being a team player and taking responsibility can help win others to your side.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
Instead of criticizing someone for their mistakes and giving them orders on what they can do to fix it, simply offer a suggestion. People are more willing to accept suggestions than they are direct orders. It boosts their confidence and it points them in the direction of learning from their mistakes.
5. Let the other person save face
Don’t insult someone’s pride and don’t take away someone’s dignity.
6. Praise every improvement
Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.” People like to be praised. It lets them know they are valued and they are doing well. If you want someone to improve quickly, praise them at every little step of success.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to
People always want to be better. If they believe they can be better, or have an inspiration to be better, they will work hard to do so.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct
If a task is too big, people will lose steam and give up. But if the fault seems easy to correct (framing your objectives as small and easy steps of improvement), people are more motivated to succeed.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest
People are more motivated and willing to do something if they personally desire to do it. Frame your desire in terms of their desires.
Notable Quotes
"Criticism is dangerous because it wounds a person’s pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment."
“When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity.”
“If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person’s point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own.”
“We are interested in others when they are interested in us.”
"Three-fourths of the people you will meet are hungering for sympathy. Give it to them and they will love you."
"Flaming enthusiasm backed up by horse sense and persistence is the quality that most frequently makes for success."
"To be interesting, be interested."
Key Takeaways
At the end of the day, people want to feel valued. And we have the power to do that.
We must first change our behaviors if we want to influence others’ behaviors.
Be empathetic, be sincere, be authentic.
If you want someone’s commitment to you, you must be genuine. Genuine appreciation and interest in who they are and what they bring to the table.
Avoid arguments and don’t criticize or humiliate others. One of the worst things you can take away from someone is their dignity.
